It was the morning of my scheduled divorce hearing. I decided I would take the bus downtown instead of driving to the courthouse. Looking back, I’m glad I did because I don’t think I would have made it home without having an emotional breakdown in my car. As I gathered my belongings, my mother called to check up on me. She tried to convince me to take a ride from either her or my dad, but I just wanted to be alone. My mom shared her words of encouragement and we said our goodbyes.
There I was, standing at the bus stop in all black, holding up my umbrella. When the bus arrived, I entered, paid my fare, and took a seat. I brought a book to read, but when I opened it I couldn’t even get through a paragraph. I had so much on my mind. This was going to be a day that would change my life forever.
I stared out the window for most of the bus ride.
When I arrived downtown, I became numb. As I walked to the courthouse, I felt hurt, angry, and ashamed. I was screaming on the inside. After going through security and stepping off the elevator, I showed no emotion. I took a seat on the bench in the hallway along with the other plaintiffs.
Even though I was among people who were there for the same reason as me I still felt ashamed. I felt I let down my son, parents, but, most importantly, God. I had Biblical grounds to go through with the divorce, but there was always a voice that told me, “You didn’t do enough. You didn’t pray enough. You didn’t fast enough.” There I was this young Christian woman who was about to have her divorce papers signed, sealed, and delivered by a judge who probably didn’t care about her story.
After checking all of our paperwork and waiting a little longer in the hallway, the court officer called all of us into the courtroom.
Wait…what? We won’t be called individually?
I was already feeling ashamed and now a bunch of strangers were going to know all of my business. The process went by so fast. I remember the judge wishing me the best and the officer handing me my divorce documents.
After I returned home, the first person I called was my mom. She gave me comforting words to help me start the healing process. I texted my siblings and close friends to let them know the divorce was official. Some of them offered to come over, but I wanted to be alone. I needed time to process what just took place. I considered that day to be one of the worst days of my life.
From that day on, the brick wall I built around my heart began to grow taller. I didn’t allow anyone to get too close to me because of the betrayal I had encountered by people who I thought were for me and loved me.
The healing process was not easy. I wanted all the pain and shame to go away immediately.
I was an emotional mess. One day I was Dr. Jekyll, the next I was Ms. Hyde. I walked around with a masked smile so no one could see how broken I was.
How was I going to recover from this painful experience?
Will I ever find love again?
Was I worth being loved?
These were some of the questions I constantly asked myself. Looking back I realized I was asking the wrong questions.
Did I forget that God heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds? (Psalm 147:3)
Wasn’t it God who gave His only son because he loved me?
The love I was concerned about not finding again was not the love I needed.
I needed God’s love.
I found myself in a dark place because I refused to let go of the pain people caused me. If I didn’t surrender my heart to God for healing, I would have become a bitter woman. It took a lot for me to forgive those who hurt me, but I did. I wanted to be whole again. I didn’t want anything to hinder me from being right before the Lord.
Freedom is found in giving a broken heart to Christ and trusting He will heal it. <<Click to Tweet
I may not have been able to trust man with my heart, but I could trust my heart to God. Through this experience, I learned that God’s love is greater than any pain I will ever experience. He showed me that when I put my trust in Him he would restore my broken heart. He took my heavy burdens and gave me peace. His love for me has never failed.
“You won’t let me down. You won’t break my heart. You won’t let me fall. So I give it to you. I present my heart to you. I present my life to you.” – from Smile by Tasha Cobbs
Wodline is a mom and wedding planner who loves the Lord. She is also a consultant for start-up nonprofit organizations. She loves writing in her journal and hopes to share her testimony to help young women struggling with unforgiveness.