Susanne Says - Dealing with Angry Teens - Part 2

 Dealing with Angry Teenagers - Part 2

Last month I shared the difficulties of dealing with angry teens. (Click here if you missed it.) The key point was to distinguish between when someone is expressing anger—which is normal and needs a healthy, boundaried outlet—and disrespect—which is using our anger against people with disparaging, condescending, mean comments.  We focused on changing the behavioral dynamic in the family between parents and teens and the importance of role modeling and owning our own anger before we can help our teenagers (or anyone else for that matter) with theirs.  We also talked about how our teens need to learn to express their anger in appropriate ways. We ended with the question: Should we permit anger at all?

WHY PERMIT ANGER?

When we permit our teens to express anger, we're ultimately permitting them to be separate from us, have a different viewpoint, become an individual, etc. I have told many parents that one key to saving your kids many hours in the therapist's office as an adult is to let them express themselves honestly and openly in the family. We don't have to agree, just show respect when our teens are speaking to us.

IS ANGER ALWAYS SIN?

Anger is just a feeling.  It's a barometer for how I'm doing in a relationship. The sinning occurs when we use our anger as a weapon against someone, to hurt or denigrate them. So yes, it is possible to be angry and sin not as Ephesians 4:26 admonishes us. For instance, if I'm angry about something and I know what’s going on for me emotionally, I could be free to say something like, "I'm really not comfortable with the decision you made on my behalf. I don't think my best interests are being considered."  If I'm disconnected from my relationship, and myself I might be inclined to say, "Are you kidding me?  I told you I'm not doing that! Not now, not ever!!! You always do this to me. There's something wrong with you! You never listen, you only think of yourself, etc., etc." The former sets a firm boundary while respecting the other person. The latter is combative and hostile. It's like throwing a torch in the relationship. We get to choose. When we role model respect, eventually, it will come back to us from our teenagers.

WHAT DOES AN ANGRY BUT RESPECTFUL EXCHANGE LOOK LIKE?

We need to take some time to really hear what our teens are saying to us. Set firm limits about being respectful, no trash talking, insults, etc. I'm not encouraging us to agree with them across the board, but if we can find one small area where we can legitimately agree or apologize, we should do so! The goal is to show them we care about their feelings, their perspective, and that we value their thoughts. This models respect for others, behavior we want to see our teens repeat.

Surprisingly, in most situations (about 80%of the time) a young person feels better just being able to get things off their chest. Everyone has a deep need to be heard and known. We can permit our teenagers to say, "I hate it when you do that," or "I hate it when things turn out that way for me."

We don’t have to remind them that we’re paying all the bills and that's why we get to make the decision. We can say something like, "I know this is tough; you will be an adult soon enough. Then all the decisions are yours, but so are the responsibilities."

One of the underlying causes of anger for teens is invalidation of feelings from people in authority. Just permitting our kids to have a chance to speak their mind can set them free from a portion of their anger. Remember this: no one skill or interaction changes the sum total of family life or parent/teen relationships. What we’re doing is endeavoring to change the emotional climate in our home. This takes perseverance and effort. We have to do our own emotional training before we require our kids to develop a new behavior.

Next month, we’ll talk about how to maintain influence in our teenagers’ lives, while making sure we avoid losing control. We’ll also differentiate between anger and rage and what to do about each. 

HELPFUL RESOURCES

• Dr. William Lee Carter's classic book,The Angry Teenager. This book talks about why teens get so angry and how parents can help.
• The Anger Workbook for Teens by Raychelle C. Lohmann is a great tool for teenagers who are willing to look at their own anger. It is chock full of techniques for anger management, coping strategies for frustration, self-control, and much more. I suggest the first book because most likely you're the one who is concerned about your teen’s anger. Don't buy the workbook unless you have a willing teenager motivated to work on their anger.
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Susanne Ciancio, LPC, is a Licensed Professional Christian Counselor. She has been serving the Christian community as a professional Christian counselor in Essex county and the surrounding area since 1986. Beyond her private practice in West Orange, NJ she is involved in teaching, consulting, and pastoral supervision in various churches in the area. Click here for Susanne's website. 

EDITORS NOTE: While Susanne can’t answer specific counseling-related questions, she welcomes your thoughts, comments, and suggestions about what kinds of topics you’d like to see addressed here at Circles of Faith. Click here to contact us

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Disclosure: This post contains affiliate links.

Bridging the Generational Gap

“Nisey, what’s an ‘app’?” my 84-year-old grandmother innocently asked me.  I explained to her that an app is short for “application,” which is a kind of mini computer program on smartphones.  I pulled my phone out, showed her how an app works, and invited her to try.  “Oh wow!” she remarked with a smile.  “Wait ‘til I tell my friends I worked an iPhone!”

There are not many people who can say that their grandmother can play Internet games, chat with you on Skype, and like your Facebook post.  But I can!  I love my grandma’s positive attitude, curiosity, and eagerness to stay up-to-date with the latest technology.  She stands out among her peers, because she is not afraid to bridge the generational gap.

Unfortunately, in our society and in our churches, the old and the young mix like oil and water. 

Each side looks to the other as distant, obscure, and un-relatable.  Walk into any church, and it is obvious that there is age-induced segregation. 

My pastor recently told me that he read an article that the younger generation of churchgoers, of which I am a part, is pushing out the older generation.  They regard the seasoned Christians as obsolete and hold no reverence toward their traditions.  Young people, in general, believe in louder music, a softer Gospel, and a theology that borders on universalism.

While that may be true, on the other hand, the older generation seems to be intimated or disinterested in the thoughts, ideas, and lives of the younger.  They often grip their traditions with white knuckles and have a difficult time adapting to things new or fresh that the 21st century brings.  To the teens and twenty-somethings, older adults are often unapproachable, dogmatic, and stern.

Churches are focusing on either young people or older people, and few are successfully integrating the two age groups.

So what do we do?

Like any healthy relationship, connection calls for compromise and communication with the right attitude.  In his book, Winning with People, John Maxwell says, “The truth is that all of us…can learn things in unlikely places – and from unlikely people.  Everybody has something to share, something to teach us.  But that’s true only if we have the right attitude.” I couldn’t have said it better myself.

To my fellow young people, I must be stern.  We are not always right.  We are not entitled to have whatever we want whenever we want.  We must honor and respect our parents, grandparents, and those in authority over us.  This is biblical (see Exodus 20:12, 1 Peter 2:13-17, Hebrews 13:17)!  Instead of immediately dismissing the opinions, beliefs, and traditions that “have always been around,” we need to dig deeper to understand the story behind them.  Adopt an attitude of learning.  Inherent with age is wisdom, and we have much to learn from those who wear silver crowns of splendor (Proverbs 4:1-9, 16:31).

To learn and grow from those who have gone before us, we can:

• Inquire about stories of how those older than us came to know the Lord.
• Request an invitation to their house for dinner. 
• Ask them to teach us how to knit, cook, golf, sew, or any other skill. 

Be eager to seek wisdom. 

To the older generation, I would humbly request that you listen to your children and grandchildren.  While our ways may be difficult to understand, young people are longing to be understood.  Take time to ask us about our plans, dreams, ideas, struggles, and hopes.  Even though it may not seem so, we young people do want to listen to and learn from your successes and failures.  Make yourself available and approachable. 

As the older generation reaching out to the younger, you can:

• Ask how you can pray for us and share ways we can pray for you. 
• Value us as people and our opinions as valid.  Just as we have something to learn from you, you have something to learn from us. 
• Be the “old dog” that learns new tricks. 
• Ask us to teach you about apps, tablets, tweets, and blogs.  

Don’t lose the curiosity of your youth and dare to dream with us!

There are handfuls in each camp that do successfully bridge the gap.  My iPhone-wielding, computer-game playing, Skype-chatting, and Facebook-status-liking grandmother is proof that it can be done. I have purposed to get together with two of the older women in my church. One is an amazing chef, and I want to learn how she cooks! The other is a floral designer and interior decorator. She has experience sewing, as well, which has always been something I've wanted to learn. They both offered to teach me their crafts, but I had to be the one to initiate.

So let us adopt the attitude that we can learn from one another.  Let’s stop the pattern of division that is developing and enter into true relationship.  Let us bridge the generational gap! 

Together, we can revere the past and develop creative ways to bring new life into our relationships for the future.

Comments welcome here.

A native of New Jersey, Denise Trio is a full-time worship leader, mentor, designer, and blogger based out of Fort Lauderdale, FL. She wants to use her voice to inspire others to seek healing and pursue restoration of broken relationships. Follow on her blog Blond Moment of the Day or on Twitter.  

photo credit: Simon Blackley via photopincc

Disclosure: This post contains affiliate links. 

Dear Me | My Story of Reflection (Part 2)

Last month, I shared with you how God inspired me to write a letter to my younger self. Doing this created a special time of reflection for me. This experience has allowed me to:

• See how God has moved throughout my life.
• Identify unforgiveness of myself and others so I can walk in obedience, forgiveness, and freedom.
• Use this time of journaling/writing to encourage myself when future disappointments happen.
• Encourage others about the beauty of His loving hand as evidenced in my life.

Have you ever wondered what you would say to the younger you, if you had the opportunity to write a letter with the perspective you have today?

What would you say? How would you say it?

Here is what I said:

Dear Diana – Age 15

There’s so much I want to say to you but don’t know where to start.

I know that sometimes you cry because you are so scared of your dad coming home drunk and screaming at your mom or at you and your sister. You don’t know what to expect day to day. I want to share with you that God is with you and sees every tear you cry.

You’ve felt that there’s so much uncertainty and instability in your life, He is right beside you holding you. You live a life of fear and intimidation, but Dad is not representing God in the right way because there is no fear in love and God’s Word says that perfect love casts out all fear.

God will not withhold his love from you like the people in your life have. I know it’s because you haven’t received the right kind of love from Dad that you have made bad decisions. You have accepted false representations of love from boys and young men.

When you accept Jesus in your heart, God will make you a new person and redeem those experiences. Jesus died on the cross for your sins and mistakes. There will be no more guilt, no more condemnation, and no more shame.

The devil will try to convince you that you aren’t forgiven, but Jesus paid the highest price…His death for your salvation, forgiveness, deliverance, and healing of your pain. And as far as the east is from the west, that’s how far God has removed your sins from you.

The empty void that you feel inside, that doesn’t seem to get filled, will overflow with God’s love, mercy, tenderness, joy, and peace. You will no longer feel alone and forgotten. I want you to know that God has created YOU with a divine purpose and plan. That He thought about you before He placed you in your mother’s womb. His plans for you are for your good and not for evil and to give you a hope and a future.

I know it’s so hard to see this beautiful future. There is so much more to endure before believing and living its truth, but it’s true. The inadequacy of how you feel now will develop and turn into an assurance because you are the daughter of not just any god but the most High God, Creator of Heaven and earth, The King!

Your inadequacy will turn into authority because you are His child. Hold on! Don’t get discouraged. Don’t give up. God has given you gifts and talents that He hasn’t given to anyone else. Use them!

God has forgiven you and you are commanded to forgive others. He will continue to forgive you, so you will not be bitter and make decisions out of your wounds. Forgive, just as you have been forgiven!

God will demonstrate deep love from His Holy Spirit; this will be one of the ways God demonstrates how alive He is today. So love others just as He loves you!

__________________

I’m sharing this personal writing because maybe you can identify with my pain. I want you to be encouraged. I hope that the healing I’ve experienced will give you hope to go through a time of reflection that can lead to your own healing. This freedom is available to you. My healing only happened by developing a relationship with Jesus Christ. It is that relationship with Him that has allowed me to forgive. If you don’t know Him, I pray you will open your heart and take the best step of your life; to accept Jesus into your heart and life today.

Diana Jones is a compassionate wife, mother, grandmother, and friend. She is passionate about sharing God's love and all that He has done throughout her life. She is also looking for opportunities to grow spiritually through reading, prayer, singing, and being in fellowship with others. She is thankful for the opportunity share her stories here at Circles of Faith. You can follow her at Twitter. 

Today’s Feast: Mulligatawny Soup

I gave my daughter my last dollar this morning.

Looking into my wallet, I thought, “I got nothin’.” I was expecting a deposit to hit my account this morning; it hadn’t arrived. (Good thing I didn’t make a pre-drop off production of getting to the bank; that could’ve proved embarrassing…)  Clearly I needed to remember from whence my provision comes. I sighed quietly. Clear that it was solely my business, and no one else’s burden, I gave away the cash. That’s what mommies do.

“I got nothin’.”  Not a good feeling.

In reality, I have shelter, food, a car that carries me where I need to go when I need to get there without incident, and I have gas, even at today’s prices. I am not empty, even if I feel that way. I work hard at being the loving mother, the supportive wife, the “ride or die” friend. I’m just wallowing in being human.

Lately, I’ve been paralyzed by my humanness. I believe that all is well, and know the anxiety I’m feeling will soon pass, but I think I need a break.

I’m growing weary.

I’m just guilty of being human. That’s why Psalms 139 is such a comfort and a blessing. It reminds us that we are never alone.

Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?

If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea,

even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.

If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,”

even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day,

   for darkness is as light to you. Psalms 139:7-12(NIV)

Despite what we feel, we are not empty.

Suddenly, that realization is enough. I am sufficiently encouraged to get off my duff, get over myself, and go make lemonade with my lemons. Or, make dinner from what’s in my pantry (yup, that’s today’s feast, so stand by for the recipe). Having re-read Psalms 139, I’m looking up, instead of feeling down, and it didn’t cost me a thing. Thank You, Lord for pointing me once again in the direction of the obvious…my growing pile of evidence that God is Good.

When I’m feeling like I got nothin’, I go to my well-stocked pantry. This is lunch, and I haven’t spent a dime.

Today’s Feast: Mulligatawny Soup

3T olive oil

3/4 c diced onion

3/4 c diced celery

3/4 c diced carrot

3/4 c diced mini sweet peppers

2 heaping T curry

1t salt (only if necessary, taste first)

1.5 T flour

1 box (32 oz) chicken stock in the box (I use low sodium)

1 finely diced medium apple

½ c leftover cooked chicken

Leaves from one sprig of fresh thyme

2 T coconut cream

• Heat oil in heavy bottomed sauce pan on medium high heat until it shimmers.
• Cook the vegetables, allowing them to caramelize.
• Add the curry, pushing vegetables to the side to allow the curry to toast intensifying its flavor.
• Stir in flour to make a roux.
• Add broth, scraping the bottom of the pan to deglaze and then reduce heat to low and cook for about a half hour.
• Add the apple.
• Now add the salt, if necessary (adding salt earlier in the cooking process may cause the vegetables to release their water, steaming instead of caramelizing them). It’s important to taste the soup at this point, because with seasoned leftover chicken, you might not need salt at all.  
• Cook another 10-15 minutes, until apples are tender.
• Finally, add coconut to finish.

When life gets particularly rough,

there is comfort in that

in an imperfect world,

a perfect God loves us,

and abides with us,

through all things 

What's your favorite comfort food? Tell us HERE.

Rochelle Wilson

Rochelle blogs at Treat Me to a Feast about her life lived forward, reviewed backward, through the lens of faith. She’s a PK (Pastor’s Kid), who’s been a Baptist church musician since she was five. Always a dancer and athlete, as an adult she turned to liturgical dance to deepen her personal worship.  It worked. Rochelle laughs a lot, is married to her first love and prom date nearly 20 years ago. Together God gave them two children and a boxer who is the other love of her life, confidante, therapist, and physical trainer.

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A Journey of Community

In July 2011, right after my husband and I were married, we moved into a cute row home in a small city in Pennsylvania, in a low-income neighborhood. Some, particularly my parents, questioned this choice in location.

While this neighborhood has a negative reputation (high crime, low performing school, etc.), we also see its many strengths, and wanted to live here for a couple of reasons. First, for about five years, we had both been involved in ministry with kids in this inner-city neighborhood and wanted to be close to the kids and families we had formed relationships with. Second, two groups of friends had already bought row homes on either side of a house that “coincidentally” became available right when we were looking for a place we could move into after we were married. This was a great opportunity to live in community with friends.

Why was it important for us to live close to these friends?

Well, the short answer is that we felt it was something God was calling us to do. After meeting for close to two years with these friends for prayer and spiritual practices, we decided to commit more deeply to sharing our lives with one another. There were several reasons that we felt this was important. We wanted to become a family to one another, to support and encourage each other, living in close proximity. We wanted to live more simply and be able to share meals, tools, everyday interactions, joys, and concerns. While we looked at other options, such as a large house to live in together, when these three houses opened up in a row, it and ended up being the best option for all of us. It seemed a very clear answer from God.

What is intentional community?

At my college, Messiah, a small liberal arts Christian school, the word “community” was often tossed around, integrated within each class, within the resident halls, within our chapel services. I guess after four years of hearing it enough, it became a part of me, and a part of how I wanted to live my life.

The word community has many meanings. A simple search on Dictionary.com turns out five different definitions. This includes: “a social group of any size whose members reside in a specific locality, share government, and often have a common cultural and historical heritage,” and interestingly, definition Number Five: “Ecclesiastical. A group of men or women leading a common life according to a rule.”

My understanding of the word, community, in the way I try to live it out, is probably somewhere in between these two definitions. “Intentional communities” can come in many forms. Our living in such close proximity to one another is just one expression of this concept.

Our Place on Derry

Our community is called, “Our Place on Derry.” We chose a name that included our location, as well as an acknowledgement that while we currently have seven members, we want it to be a place where the larger community can feel welcome as well. During our time as a community, almost two years now, we have had as many as 13 members, based on who is living in the row houses at the time. Each of us is committed to hospitality, and has welcomed friends, family members, and sometimes even strangers to stay with us as needs arose. Currently, we meet for a meal weekly and rotate cooking and hosting so that each house gets a turn. We end our meal with a conversation about community, a Bible study, a spiritual practice, or an update on one another’s lives. And we always close in prayer.  We often sing together as well!

Who We Are

As I mentioned before, we all feel connected to the neighborhood we live in, and being present here is important to us. While none of us come from this area, and we all come from very different backgrounds from most of our neighbors, we want to form relationships with those who are different from us. We want to form mutual relationships in which we can learn from one another. We want to be “salt and light” to a neighborhood that has a bad reputation but much diversity and many strengths. We all have jobs locally, contributing to the larger community in some way. Our group includes a school therapist (that’s me!), an urban farmer (my husband), a racial justice coordinator at a non-profit, two youth workers, and several who support adults with disabilities.

How We Live

In the past, we have had cookouts where we’ve hosted our neighbors and we have had gatherings with other intentional communities in the city. We have tithed together to local organizations, we have put together baskets of food for friends in need. We have spent lots of time talking through our vision, mission, and the way we want to live them out practically.

Outside of structured times with one another, we also try to be intentional about being part of one another’s lives. We share the proverbial “cup of sugar,” or tablespoon of curry, can of coconut milk, stick of butter. We share a lawnmower and various tools, even vacuum cleaners. In a culture of materialism, our arrangement allows us to share more and buy less. And in an age of individualism, it allows us to be closely connected to others. One of the first things we did when we moved in was to take down our fences so that we could walk easily and freely from one house to another.

In some ways, living in community has been very hard work. Living with people who have different backgrounds, views, and styles of communicating is hard. But it is worth it as well . Our burdens are lighter because we shoulder them together, and our celebrations are even more joyful for the same reason. Through deaths of family members, job losses, engagements, new jobs, weddings, and trips far away, we have journeyed alongside one another. We learn so much from one another, how to love each other more, and new ways of seeing God in and around us.

We are constantly learning about how to be better neighbors to one another and those around us. This is one way that my friends and I live out our faith in Christ.  We are constantly adapting what we do and how we do it to meet one another’s needs at a given time. As we are changing, our community changes as well.

Resources

We try to learn from those who have come before us. Some great resources on living in community that have inspired us include:

Life Together: The Classic Exploration of Faith in Community, Deitrich Bonhoeffer

Community and Growth, Jean Vanier

The Irresistible Revolution: Living as an Ordinary Radical, Shane Claiborne

The Intentional Christian Community Handbook: For Idealists, Hypocrites, and Wannabe Disciples of Jesus, David Janzen

Journey Inward, Journey Outward,  Elizabeth O’Connor (and any other book by O’Connor!)

Micalagh Beckwith Moritz is a social worker, a writer, a wife, a sister, a daughter, a community member...continually learning how to do a better job at each of these roles. She is newly married (if under 2 years still counts as "new"!) and currently working as a school-based clinical therapist. She is always contemplating how to love others better and to enjoy the small things of life; to see God in everything...and everyone. Also important to note- she loves cheese, speaking French, and experiencing different cultures (whether in or out of the United States)! Micalagh blogs at Only Small Things.

photo credit: lumierefl via photopincc

When a Home Renovation Leads to a Spiritual Lesson

We are about to start a home reno project.

It's something my husband and I have talked about since we moved into our 80-year-old home several years ago. The kitchen is original to the house, so are the bathrooms, we are redoing both.  I have been looking through magazines, sketching ideas, and drawing numerous plans trying to generate ideas for the project. 

Our architect came over the other night and dropped off the schematic designs. These are the plans that show us the ideas he's come up with. Once we give him the thumbs up, he’ll start drawing the plans the contractor will use to build from.  

Many times I became discouraged waiting for this process to begin. Each day I contend with cabinet doors that don’t close, never ending flaky paint, and leaky plumbing. I started to loose hope that things would never change.

Seeing those drawings cured the discouragement I experienced in the waiting.

My excitement for the project was renewed once I saw the rooms of our house illustrated on paper. I am a visual person, so I am not surprised that this is what it took to jumpstart my delight.  Each time I glance at the drawings lying on my dining room table, I can't help but smile. I have a bounce in my step anticipating the changes that are going to take place in my home.

I am reminded of how my faith in prayer ebbs and flows too. 

I am thrilled when I come across a scripture in the Bible that meets a need in my life. I begin to pray and trust my situation to God. Early in the journey, there is joy in the anticipation of what lies ahead, what God will do in my circumstance. Somewhere between the beginning and the answered prayer, though, I grow apathetic. Just like my enthusiasm for a new kitchen began to wane over the last year, I lose steam when I am waiting for the promises of God to be fulfilled in my life.  It's easy in the lull to get discouraged or distracted.

I hate riding that emotional roller coaster.

So I came up with some ideas that might help steady me. Maybe they’ll help you too!

• Be thankful for where I am now.

• Write down what I am praying for and any relevant scriptures.

• Memorize scripture that encourages me.

• Memorize a new scripture. Praying just one or two Bible verses over and over will sow that promise into my heart but it may get stale and my prayers may become rote. So change it up.

• Read books or blog posts that build my faith.

• Remind myself of what God has done in my life in the past. Share it with others. Listen to or read the testimonies of others.

• Pray with a friend.

• Keep the vision literally in front of me. Hang up a picture or a sign that reminds me of what I are looking forward to.

I have taken these steps individually and they have given me a boost when I need it. However, I have also carried them out collectively, as apart of a long-term strategy and it’s enabled me to go the distance.

Many months will pass before our home project will be complete. There are still final drawings to come, a contractor to choose, and finishes to pick out. Once the transformation begins, the lives we’re accustomed to will no doubt be disrupted. Strangers will be in and out of our house and dust will be everywhere. I bet I will be tempted to lose my enthusiasm again.  However, if I keep those drawings handy, looking at them often, I’ll have what I need to maintain my joy, knowing that one day soon, my kitchen/bathroom makeover will be finished.

How about you? What steps do you take to keep the faith in the waiting? Tell us here.

KimberlyAmici is an enthusiastic and dedicated founding member of the Circles of Faith team. She is known for her creativity, strong faith, and commitment to living life with purpose and passion. Kimberly is a writer and community builder whose desire is for hearts to be healed, minds to be renewed and women to be connected in fellowship just as God intended.

Follow Kimberly her blog at Living in the Sweet Spot, Facebook, or on Twitter.Click here for her full bio.

Dear Me - My Story of Reflection

REFLECTION - A fixing of the thoughts on something; careful consideration.

Have you ever taken the time to reflect on the beauty of who God is and the many ways He has shaped your life?

Recently, I felt a tug on my heart to take time to dig deeper into my relationship with God. I sensed God leading me to write a letter to my younger myself.

I have to admit, at first, I thought this was a great idea. Then, as I started journaling, I wasn’t so sure. I soon realized how hard this was going to be. Not necessarily because it was painful to look back, but because there was so much I wanted to share with this young, precious girl.

What is the purpose of reflection?

While it’s not healthy to live in the past, I have found there are times when the Holy Spirit prompts a time of reflecting back on my life.  He’s at work in ways I may not recognize at first, but proves to always benefits me in the end. (Instead of the above sentence: I don’t always understand the purpose of the prompting, but this Spirit-led process always benefits me in the end.

In writing this letter to myself, God has taught me:

To See God More Clearly

Psalm 106:2 (NLT) | Who can list the glorious miracles of the Lord?

As I looked back on my childhood, I experienced an eye-opening recognition of how God has loved, saved, rescued, healed, provided, protected, guided me throughout my entire life. Even though I have been through many hard experiences, knowing looking back I know that God was there for me through it all. It is a wonderful comfort.

To Encourage Others

Psalm 40:10 (NLT) | I have not kept the good news of your justice hidden in my heart; I have talked about your faithfulness and saving power. I have told everyone in the great assembly of your unfailing love and faithfulness.

Walking down memory lane and having the Holy Spirit show me all the ways He cared for me, gives me great joy. That joy overflows to others as I share the good news of Jesus Christ and all that He has done for me. We all have a story to tell and our story is powerful…yes, even the good, bad, and the ugly!

To Forgive Others and Myself

Matthew 6:14-15 | If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins.

The Lord used times of reflection to reveal where that has been unforgiveness in my life. I have found out how important it is to forgive. Forgiveness frees me from the bondage of bitterness and pain, and closes the door that can allow the enemy access to my life. Sometimes we can easily see our unforgiveness; other times we have to ask God to show us. Regardless, unforgiveness holds us captive. Let’s not wait another day to forgive the offenses others have committed against us. We also need to forgive ourselves so we can be free.

To Remind Myself That Disappointments Happen…But God Is with Me

John 16:33 (NLT) | I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.

The Bible is clear that we will encounter trials and sorrows even as Christians. There may be times that we have a life altering experience or endure a circumstance beyond our understanding.  During those times we may be tempted to take our eyes off of Jesus. This is when reflection can be one of the most powerful tools we have, especially if we’ve written down our reflections. Not only can we read His Word and renew our mind with His promises, but we can also take out our journal and revisit what God has shown us about the past. This empowers us to fight, to praise, to worship Him in the midst of any circumstances!

Even though reflection typically happens at the end of December as people make resolutions for the New Year, we need not wait until then. Periodic introspection is beneficial. Doing this through writing a letter to my younger self helped me clearly see how far God has carried me in my past. I am encouraged knowing He will continue to carry me into my future.

Do you ever reflect back on where God has been in your life? Do you journal or write this down…or maybe even write a letter to your younger self? Tell us here.

Diana Jones is a compassionate wife, mother, grandmother and friend. She is passionate about sharing God's love and all that He has done throughout her life. She is also looking for opportunities to grow spiritually through reading, prayer, singing and being in fellowship with others. She is thankful for the opportunity share her stories here at Circles of Faith. You can follow her at Twitter. 

Seeking and Finding Retreat and Renewal

An Unconventional Way of Celebrating 60

I recently turned 60. Months before the date, my loving family and friends began asking me how I wanted to celebrate: a party, a weekend with friends, a trip, etc. Each was fun in its own way, and I considered them all. But when I finally gave myself permission to stop and consider—apart from any of these ideas—what my wish would be, I realized that what I longed for was something very different. I longed for time to be still, to listen for the voice of God; I longed for renewal. 

The seeds of this birthday wish were planted eight years ago when I began my work as a hospital chaplain. As the sole Protestant on the Spiritual Care staff at a Catholic hospital, I learned—and continue to learn—so much from the godly Sisters and priests with whom I have the privilege to work. Perhaps most impressive for me early on was this: the Sisters were obligated by their communities to designate time each year for retreat. This, I must emphasize, was separate from their vacation days. It was considered part of the work; a requirement for sustenance and growth and fidelity in their vocation. How enlightened!  The little bit I have tasted over the years of the benefits of retreat have only served to make me want more, but lacking a community or authority mandate….it hasn’t  happened. Here, in the context of a milestone birthday when I felt free to choose whatever I wanted, was my opportunity.

I took the time to pray until this longing metamorphosed into a concrete plan that would actually serve as a birthday celebration. 

As I prayed, the steps became clear. 

1. Where—The meeting place would be a local retreat property run by the Sisters of Mercy. 

2. Who to Lead—The leader I asked was a woman I’ve long admired: a Christian counselor and godly, prayerful woman who passed her 60th birthday milestone nearly 20 years before mine. 

3. Whom to Invite—I felt strongly that I wanted to spend the day with women, but didn’t want to exclude men—especially those in my family, from the celebration. The solution was to spend the day with sisters, and in the evening, have a dinner celebration in our home with spouses, etc., included.  

4. The biggest challenge—Do I invite only my friends with whom I share a faith? My like-minded sisters? Or, with full disclosure, do I invite all of my closest friends and let them decide whether or not to come to the Christian retreat and dinner, or just the dinner. In the end, that’s what I did, trusting the Lord to sort it out. 

Following is an excerpt from the invitation that I sent to my family and friends: 

I’m turning 60. As I’ve considered the options for marking such a milestone I realize that what I want most of all is time to be still; to trace the movement of God in my life over these past 60 years, and to re-tune my focus for whatever is ahead.

I want to know that this adventure of trying to live for God will only deepen and grow. I want to defy that still, small voice within me (and the huge, monstrous, deafening voice within culture) that relegates these years to a post-peak descent, sprinkled with occasional perks and graces. I want to know that this temporal existence—even and especially NOW—has the potential to explode beyond the boundaries I have drawn with my own subtle but potent (and fear-fed) values to stay safe, stay in control and look good while you’re doing it (with, of course, only a modicum of success at any of them). And I KNOW that “explosion” can happen because we follow Jesus—the unpredictable, uncontrollable, unsafe incarnation of love and goodness and truth and freedom. 

So that’s what I want to focus on, but I don’t want to do it alone.

I want to have a “retreat” day. I want to invite my sisters and a few close friends…..

To my surprise, of the 15 women I invited, only one declined the retreat day. 

It felt like heaven. Sitting in this holy, prayer-soaked retreat center with the women who mean the most to me in the world; knowing each one had worked hard to wrest this time from their busy schedules. For my Christian sisters, this was familiar territory. For those who may not be practicing Christians…what joy to see them all together!!! And, how brave of them to accept and open themselves to this new experience. 

The morning began with Jessie—our facilitator—reading a well-chosen Scripture, inviting us to respond, then sending us out to enjoy the beautiful grounds in silent contemplation. That order was repeated throughout the day. 

My greatest gift of the retreat: 

I had stated in the invitation that I wanted to “trace the movement of God in my life.”

Little did I realize that so much of that that movement would be reflected in the faces of those women in the room.

My only complaint: 

One day was not enough. Sharing in group time and over our meal was so sweet; sharing quiet together, even sweeter. We all left, I think, longing for more. 

Perhaps that longing had something to do with the verse that Jessie chose to form the substance of our meditation that day.  I offer it to you now: 

Matthew 11:28-30 (MSG)

Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.

Susie Minno is a hospital chaplain living and working in Bucks County, Pa. She is married to David, and the mother of three adult children. Chaplaincy is a second career for Susie, and she is daily delighted and forever grateful that God surprised her with this calling so late in the game, granting a desire of her heart that she never realized she had. (Her hero of the moment is Mother Antonia, founder of the Servants of the Eleventh Hour.)

photo credit: Aih. via photopincc

A Place for My Soul to Breathe

This is the time of year when everyone needs to breathe a little fresh air.  

Our hot-air-pumped suburban homes are stale and stuffy. They seem like they are suffocating under the weight of a long, long winter. With the first nodding needs of miniature daffodils and the first waving purple crocus blooms, I long to throw open the windows and simply let the house breathe.  

The house is not the only thing that needs to breate. My soul feels that same weight of winter -- burdened and heavy with holiday expectations, claustrophobic winter nesting, and sunless days that seem to closet our soul's ability just to breathe.

I know...you think I'm going to get all preachy on you today.  Well, I am, but not really.  You see, the way I interact with God -- the way my soul grows -- it isn't very preachy. I grew up in church and I went to a Christian university and we still go to church faithfully. All added up?  That is a lot of preaching.  I get a little tired of preaching.  Don't you?

What I don't get tired of are those moments when I can feel my soul breathe.

I don't know if you have had those moments, the ones when something lifts in your heart and you are simply at peace. You aren't crazy happy. You aren't even full of elation. You aren't necessarily joyful. You are just at peace.

For me, that peace is directly tied to the way God speaks through nature. Perhaps it is childish of me that I find God the most through His tangible, smack-dab-in-your-face gifts instead of His more lofty spiritual gifts. I just love the feeling of freedom when my soul breathes.

Perhaps you are wondering when I'm going to get to the point.  I'm getting there I promise.

A few years ago, we had just moved to Pennsylvania and we were living in a townhouse. We were supposed to live there for a year, but I was a little baby and needed a garden and a place for the boys to run. Looking back, I know that, realistically, we should have stuck it out. Quite honestly, I knew I was being ungrateful in my heart, but I just couldn't stand it. I couldn't stand the babies waking the other babies up because the quarters were too close. I couldn't stand the stark whiteness and "townhouse-i-ness" of it all. I couldn't stand the fact that my poppies bloomed 1/4" wide because they were being grown in pots that couldn't support them. I was tired of not having potatoes and tomatoes growing in my backyard. I was tired of not being able to paint walls and hang things on them. I was just a plain old baby about it all.

However, I am a little bit glad that I was a baby because we ended up with a house that lets my soul breathe.

I still haven't told you what I'm talking about....  Let me show you.

It is those places where sun glints through the plants like diamonds and that place where the sky goes on forever.  It's that place where the green fills your eyes and then coats your veins and tumbles down into your heart.  It is those moments when you breathe in the air and feel it giving you life. It is the country and the woods and the beaches and the ocean. It is the rocks and the grass and the trees and the sky. It is the place where God reaches out and can physically touch us. My soul can breathe when there is space, life, light, and growth. My soul can breathe when I can feel God.

Those photos? Those aren't of my home. They are of the [incredible] Rapid Canyon Ranch in Wyoming. The problem? We can't afford hundreds and thousands of acres of unbroken sky. We can't afford a home where neighbors are invisible. We can't afford a mountain.

However, we can afford a home that lets my soul breathe. Sometimes you have to get on your knees and look under the plants to see the way the sunlight glows through the leaves. A blanket and a baby and that view?  Your soul can breathe.  Sometimes it is looking in the right direction. Maybe you have a busy street in front of your home, but out back you can see rolling hills in the distance. You don't have to own those hills for them to grace your heart.

All that said...my soul can breathe now. If I wouldn't have been such a baby, my soul could have breathed in that townhouse, but I was too stubborn. I wanted grass and trees and room to plant. I wanted sky and breeze and trees to climb. I wanted to own my little piece of land and raise chickens and chase groundhogs.

It's understandable, but still childish. 

I missed out on a few months of breathing because I was so busy worrying about finding a place to breathe. 

Are you in a space where it feels like you can't breathe?  Re-evaluate your space, add some life, try to embrace your space. You might try a few of mystyling tips to help. In any case, breathe. You can't live without it.

Amy Renea is a freelance writer and photographer based out of Hershey, PA.  She lives with her husband, 3 boys, 5 chickens, and a feisty pair of bunnies on a couple acres in deer country. If you ever stop by, she'll have an iced sweet tea and sweet potato chips waitin' for you! You can find the bulk of Amy's work at A Nest for All Seasons. Amy is also a design writer for the award-winning Houzz.com, a designer for Crafts Unleashed, and contributes to various home and garden magazines.

Susanne Says - How to Revolutionize Your Relationships with Friends and Family

How to Revolutionize Your Relationships with Friends and Family

Last month we looked at how to revolutionize our relationships with our teenagers by "moving in the opposite spirit" or doing the opposite of what seems natural. 

This month, I'd like to generalize this same technique for changing our relationships with friends and other family members as well. I have heard it said that relationships need to be renegotiated every three to five years. Things get stale, we get into ruts, the quality of our connections with friends and loved ones can always use an upgrade.

Managing Expectations

Sometimes we romanticize what life and relationships should be like. We forget connecting with people takes work and that we must examine the expectations we have for people and events. It helps to go into situations with our expectations rooted and grounded in reality: not the romanticized view that "we should all just get along" nor the pessimistic view that things will be tense or difficult.

Dealing with Offense

One of the key things that hurts relationships is criticism and its unfriendly cousins sarcasm and defensiveness. Being on the receiving end of one of these three lovely attitudes is definitely one of life's challenges.

Moving in the opposite spirit means we don't pick up the gauntlet that may have been thrown down through an insult or criticism. (Remember, through verbal communication, people are always telling us who they are, they're not defining us by their remarks.) So if someone makes a snarky comment and we don't "pick it up," then we’re free to respond instead of react. What's the difference? When we respond, we see the choices or options present in the interaction; whereas when we react we usually feel compelled to do something like get angry and hurl a criticism back, etc. In short, when we’re being reactive we have a very limited range of options.

It's in being able to press the pause button in the tense moment that we may find the freedom to move in the opposite spirit. Instead of attending to our feelings only, we choose to think.

WHAT DOES THIS LOOK LIKE?

Sometimes it may be covert. A friend or family member may be negative or hostile. For the sake of my example, we'll say they're extending us the rope to argue with them. Alanon admonishes its members, "Just because someone extends you the rope (to argue, debate, or play the one-upmanship game, etc.) doesn't mean you have to pick it up."

Just because you may want to argue with me doesn't mean I need to engage. I was explaining this to my daughter recently and she said, "I think I know what you mean. Is it something like:  it takes four lips to argue and two of them are yours?"  Yes, that is exactly what it means!  (I think she heard that on a TV show.)   There's also an old proverb that says, "Be careful when you argue with an idiot. People passing by won.t know which one you are." 

What Moving in the Opposite Spirit Isn’t…and Is

Moving in the opposite spirit is not being more patient although that would help. It's also not being a doormat--women particularly become fearful and angry if they think that's what’s being asked of them. It's more like the modern martial art of judo. Judo is translated "the gentle way."  The strategies and techniques of judo rely on yielding to the oncoming force of your opponent. It is a disciplined sport that can be readily adapted to a very effective type of self defense.

Here's the bottom line:  judo is a way of using the enemies power by yielding to it. Moving in the opposite spirit accomplishes the same goal! We sense the force of our verbal critic or angry friend, husband, or colleague coming our way. We sidestep the intensity of their emotions (or possibly attack) by yielding our own right to defend ourselves. That is not to say that we volunteer for abuse. It's more like a mindful (self-aware) approach to disarm the negative emotions of someone who is coming at us with negative intent. Maybe someone is being mean spirited about your cooking or your home or your kids. While I'm all for giving a petulant friend or colleague a little push back if some bad behavior is occurring, that's not the strategy we're talking about today. Today we're talking about disarming our critics by giving way to the aggression that’s coming our way. We sidestep their opposition, instead of resisting it or defending ourselves against it.

The Spiritual Aspect

We wrestle not with flesh and blood but with powers and principalities, Paul warns us in Ephesians 6:12. What does that mean? Sometimes we're going around in circles in our relationships trying to figure out someone or trying to figure out what’s going wrong or where the communication is breaking down. But sometimes the problem may be a spiritual one.

As I stated above, moving in the opposite spirit means dismantling that power of the enemy by yielding to it. Last month, I talked about the paradox of the unstoppable force meeting the immovable object. In the words of the old Johnny Mercer song, “Something's gotta give."  When we move in the opposite spirit, we choose not to pick up the gauntlet that's being thrown down, but we do choose a strategy. This isn't passive at all. It's strategic! 

Imagine what it would feel like if you wanted to give your husband a piece of your mind and in your fury you approached him with eyes glaring and steam coming out of the top of your head. Instead of saying something defensive, rude, or dismissive, he just sits down to listen to you! (I know some of you are thinking you may be in the wrong house with someone else's husband if that ever happened!). It won't be hard to imagine how differently that argument would go if you had your husband’s full attention. That is the basic essence of moving in the opposite spirit. It's doing the opposite of what people expect you to do. What a challenge! 

Proverbs 14:12 says:  There is a way that seems right in a man's eyes but it leads to destruction. The still small voice of the spirit warns us that our ways are not His ways, nor our thoughts His thoughts. His ways and thoughts are as different from ours as the heavens are from the earth (paraphrased Isaiah 55: 8-9.)   Moving in the opposite spirit separates us from our natural or carnal reactions to life's challenges. Even our most precious relationships bring strife, stress, and trauma. We need to be prepared. As I quoted last month, "If I always do what I've always done I'm always going to get what I've always gotten." (Henry Ford)

When someone lays down the gauntlet to argue with us, we don't have to pick it up. International author and speaker Graham Cooke says, "If you meet an accusation with an accusation, you do the work of the enemy." One of the names of the enemy of our soul is The Accuser of the brethren. When we’re upset and react naturally or carnally, we’re yielding to a negative or soulish emotion and permitting ourselves to be used by the Accuser.

DO YOU WANT MORE INFLUENCE?

Do you feel stuck in a relationship where you'd like to have more influence? Permit that person to influence you and watch what happens. I sincerely want to challenge you to train for some judo-like emotional training. We have to pass the test, Beloved!  For more on this type of emotional training, see Graham Cooke's book, Manifesting Your Spirit.

Your comments welcome HERE.

Susanne Ciancio, LPC, is a Licensed Professional Christian Counselor. She has been serving the Christian community as a professional Christian counselor in Essex county and the surrounding area since 1986. Beyond her private practice in West Orange, NJ she is involved in teaching, consulting, and pastoral supervision in various churches in the area. Click here for Susanne's website. 

EDITORS NOTE: While Susanne can’t answer specific counseling-related questions, she welcomes your thoughts, comments, and suggestions about what kinds of topics you’d like to see addressed here at Circles of Faith. Click here to contact us

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